All You Really Have To Do Is Ask

Self-reliance is a myth

I am bad at asking for help. Perhaps you’ve noticed this? I’ve long wondered why that is. Disposition? Socialization? Years of living alone? Being an only child? There’s something that’s a little bit comforting about the constancy of this throughout my life but at the same time, you’d think I’d have figured out a bit better how to not be like this. And I suppose I have. But I’m still…just bad about it after all these years. There are a lot of things I do around my place that would be a lot easier if I just texted a friend. Hell, I’ve moved by myself more than once (you learn some useful tricks working as a mover. Not the point though!)

To still be like this after all this time is occasionally vexing. Many hands make light work. Many people are willing to share. No one wants to see their friends and their loved ones flailing. Many people are willing to help you. All you really have to do is ask. Many people are simply waiting to be asked. And yet…

I find myself at a point where I simply cannot go it alone. I stepped back from my last job for a truly necessary break. I’ve been stepping back from a few other commitments as well. I’ve found myself overextended and trying to figure out what it is that I prioritize, what it is I truly want, and how to take care of myself all at the same time. And part of that, one of the most necessary parts of that, is reaching out and asking for help when I need it. Like I must now as I’ve taken a bit of time to regroup and I’m working to figure out what is next. I’d love longer but you know…a girl’s still got rent to pay and all that, so I can’t afford to step away forever.

A job search frequently feels boiled down to the tedious parts. The endless cover letters and applications. The tracking of opportunities and following up. Yet that part has never really been what I’ve taken with me (though I’ve certainly done it). The part I take with me? Every job search since I moved to San Francisco is a long list of reaching out to people for coffees and conversations. They don’t always lead anywhere that’s obviously useful or  job related, but I find they go down some interesting paths. I’m occasionally amazed at how our lives continue to intertwine in ways I would not have anticipated, so I’m never one to say no to a chance to connect, even if it doesn’t seem fruitful in the immediate moment. And frequently it’s not! Not a dig, but definitely a reality of those kinds of conversations. You only need one to go right in that particular way, though.

I’ve occasionally gone my own way without leaning on my network (I did get a Stripe offer without a referral thank you very much), but that has just not been the case most of my life. And that is rarely the case for many people. It’s why social networks are so valuable! I’m not breaking any ground here. A lot in this life is word of mouth, our informal networks. Not just our close friends. It’s also the loose text chain or Slack community you don’t keep up with a ton except to occasionally post. It’s the board you are on, it’s the places you volunteer, it’s the people you know who you might least expect to have a relevant connection.

If nothing else, I’ve accomplished building a robust social network in San Francisco (and beyond) over the past 13 years. And right now, I need it more than ever because in addition to trying to figure out what is next on a specific level, I find myself wondering whether to continue going down the path that I’m on (the more mission driven and politics side of things) or whether it might be worthwhile to me to pivot back into compliance. Or to entertain something I haven’t even considered. I need to have those conversations to start working that out. Much like writing is a great process for working out how I’m thinking about something, talking is as well. Every conversation is a revelation. Occasionally of important information I could not place before. So I welcome the opportunity 

So if you get a text or an email from me asking if you want to grab a coffee or jump on a quick call, I hope we can find some time. And if you ever need the same from me? All you really have to do is ask.