You've Gotta Figure That Out

How am I so busy all the time, I’m not even working!

We just wrapped up our Equality Awards here in San Francisco. I’m the vice president of the c4, and I serve on the PAC there, so you know…it’s kept me busy. It was great to see so many friends from so many walks of life, including some folks I had not seen in quite a while. It’s always a busy day, with the board meeting in the morning and the event in the evening. Fun, but busy. It’s one of those things that is funny, it’s actually easier when I go to LA because I don’t have to crisscross the city between the two. I capped it with drinks with friends at the end of the night like one does.

And of course, there’s the ongoing maintenance of being a co-chair at a Democratic club locally here. You may have heard we have an election coming? On top of the fact that at Alice, we got a nice lil breakfast to plan and all that. So yes, a lot coming together there too. I’m enjoying my time as co-chair (still relatively new to it, not even 6 months in) and I knew it would be busy, but it’s always hard to predict in what ways it will be busy. It’s not always clear what political events will come up that require time or attention, as I learned well at my previous job.

Then there’s all those shows. Don’t weep for me, that’s just fun. But it is keeping me busy through the end of May, with a really strong run of shows from the smallest venues in the City all the way up to Chase, from Santa Cruz to (possibly) Sacramento. I did not plan May to be this way, but there are just a ton of good shows, many of which I purchased tickets for months ago. Stuff I’ve been looking forward to for ages like Caroline along with some last minute additions (Mannequin Pussy headlining show, Hannah Lew album release, etc). And on the nights I’m not out, it seems like I’ve got one commitment or another. It’s nice to have a full dance card, but I thought part of the point of all this time was to give myself a bit of a breather, no?

It’s a bit ironic, all things considered, I feel like I’m busier than I’ve been in months right now, constantly wondering where the time in the day is going. Am I spending too much time watching trash tv (don’t…ask)? I haven’t finished a book in weeks, and my place doesn’t feel notably more in order even though I thought I’d finally be done with all of this junk around my place once and for all. Is it just all the playoff hockey (maybe?), is it just that my days actually are busier come May than they ever are in January (definitely)?

I’ve made some cuts in my life recently that haven’t entirely been related to work, just trying to pull back on my perennially overcommitted nature a bit in 2026. I’m down to two boards, which is my lowest number since I got roped into board service a decade ago (it escalated quickly, didn’t it?). I’ve been working to create a bit more space to just be, because I find that important, and it’s easy to lead an overscheduled life. And I did all this for a reason, I’ve been trying to get more consistent about what still remains. Catch more shows, read more books, write some more (how is that going).

But there’s something to structure, isn’t there? Work, among many other things, is a forcing function on one’s calendar. My typical day right now isn’t empty, it’s a call here or day to at least add some structure, but it’s not nearly the same as I’m used to. So it’s a lot easier to end up going down some odd paths when it comes to what I’m doing with my time. All of a sudden it does become a reasonable idea to do a little digital clean-up and get rid of stuff I truly have no need for. Do you know how many coatcheck tickets I’ve taken photos of in my life that are just lingering on my phone?

To be clear, I think there’s something rewarding about following those paths where they may go. I’ve had a bunch of stuff around my place that I literally moved into this apartment and have not used since, and it’s high time I got that out of my life. It’s nice to look in my fridge and see a couple of carrots that need using and then end up making bahn mi all of a sudden after quick pickling them. The journey is what this is all about, and there needs to be some slack in one’s life or it’s easy to end up wound too tight and snap. If anything, I’m where I’m at right now at this very moment because I felt that coming and knew I needed to take a step back to take care of myself. So it’s not exactly regret I’m feeling over lost time or anything, it’s just an actual legitimate mystery sometimes of where the hours go. How am I behind on email when I don’t even have a fake email job?

Modern life seems to go out of its way to create busy-ness, and I’m trying to not give into that. That text does not need to be answered immediately, that email requires a thoughtful response not an instant one. The rest of my life did not just stop, either, I still got stuff to do around my place, I still got bills to pay, apparently I still have too many trips throwing my schedule for loops (I thought I was done traveling for a bit? lol). And I want my days to have purpose, not to just feel like endless days sliding into each other.

So take a deep breath and fucking focus, right? I’m beginning to think the problem is not busy-ness nearly as much as constantly being pulled a million different directions. In that sense a job is a forcing function too, with a higher priority than many other aspects of your life, because we all got bills to pay. I miss what is causing me to focus, which makes it feel like there’s not enough time because I keep flitting about. In its place, the board stuff starts to be a higher priority. It fills the time, it foments this feeling of busy-ness, but so much of that, like always, is self-imposed.

In one sense, there’s never enough time. Even now when I have more than enough, it’s clearly the case. Which means right now it’s up to me to figure out what I value and what I have time for. I’ve definitely made that decision in some ways already and just not realized it. And if the others aren’t exactly filling me with joy, then it’s on me to interrogate that, not just submit to this idea that I’m somehow overwhelmed without even adding 40 hours back in like I’ll have to do at some point. Not to say it’s just in my head but…it’s all in my head. In a world where there’s never enough time, how do I find the time for what I want, and protect myself from the noise and the notifications and the clamor?

Great question, I’m glad I’ve got the time to figure.